It started Tuesday night. While I was sleeping, around midnight, the sharp piercing pain started yet again. I knew the pain, I had experienced it many times before. It has become a half-yearly thing for me. Kidney Stones. The rate at which I produce these, its not even funny. Most of the times, I manage it at home by taking high-dose painkillers but this time it was unbearable. Somehow, after bearing the pain for nearly 2 hours, I decided to wake my bother (who was fortunately with me) and asked him to rush me to the hospital. He and a very good friend, took me to the nearest nursing home which was shut. Since the pain dint subside despite painkillers, They immediately rushed me to Moolchand Hospital’s Emergency.
As soon as I arrived there, a team of doctors came to my rescue and administered injections and within 30 mins or so I was ok. Painless and happy. Although full of extreme regrets. Regrets about having to put my family through this torture and then, obviously not listening to my body when it was screaming for help. This time I vividly remember the thoughts that came into my mind. Because this time the pain made me see through the life that I had built up, my commitments, my love, my passion, everything flowed right before my eyes and the fear of loosing it all was too overwhelming.
I have been operated 4 times for various problems. I am 35. Yes, it is not a good number to look at but living with physical pain and breathing disorder has become a part of life for me. My quality of life, health-wise, may have improved in many areas (like those days when I could just not walk because of being overweight and now I can run) but in certain areas, it is a challenge and to conquer that is difficult.
Whilst I am not the kind who gives in quickly but I get torn between the life I chose and the life that chose me. The ramifications are still to be seen. As the saying goes, you are one decision away from a totally different life, I sometimes wonder if we are always aware of the decision we are taking and more importantly, how many of these decisions are informed decisions. Sometimes, decisions are taken on basis of faith and trust which are inevitably broken, sometimes the decisions are taken in a guarded fashion and thereby many opportunities are missed. So is there a hard and fast rule as far as decisions go? And can anyone claim that their life has been perfect because of all the decisions they took, as they were intelligent enough to take a sound decision. I don’t think so.
I still believe in the fact that one must learn to live with the decisions they took because the circumstances vary from when a decision was taken to when the actual ramification, good or bad, was experienced. Our decisions are subject to interpretation! Interpretation varies from people to people but our own reflections on the decision should be of supreme primacy. What felt right many years ago feels so wrong now! And what felt wrong then, is to my mind, the right approach!
Nonetheless, as I sat in the car that night and passed by South Ex., my gym, the chaiwala who’s chai and bun maska are my fav, regrets came and filled me up about my decision to not focus on quality of my life. The race is long and the race is hard, and it demands sacrifices. But, it is my decision entirely to choose what I can sacrifice and what are non-negotiable areas of my being.
So when the Moolchand people called to ask as to why I went LAMA (Leave Against Medical Advise) instead of staying in the hospital, I told them that I had commitments to clients and in few hours had to appear in the Court. Choosing to stay in hospital would not have been the wisest decision as I knew how to take care of myself then. The decision however, was flawed to the extent that I need to take care of myself so much so that I am able to deal with stress effectively, without making food as an agent for instant gratification. That struggle continues and I am hoping I do make some progress.
The balance can be attained and happiness is not so distant. All one needs is a loving family, good circle of friends, efficient employees and effective support system and one can sail through without the circumstantial roadblocks that come and visit us intermittently. Living a positive life and knowing that God will protect me is all that I need! My delayed gratification, it seems, is subject to interpretation.
Until next time.