The Void

36. That’s the number of years it will be in a few months – of me walking around on this planet (crawling for the first 8 months of my existence, I presume). I can feel it now. Or maybe I always felt it, but have noticed it only now. THE VOID.

I was not even aware of the nomenclature. I had a feeling, which I was describing to a friend, and he said, yeah I know what you are talking about. You are staring at the void. And I wondered what has astrophysics got to do with the way I have been feeling; only to realize that physics or not, there is a void.

I read a very interesting definition of void, obviously astrophysics-wise. If you take away the Earth, moon, stars – everything material- what remains? Yeah you guessed it right, it is the void. It is nothing and that’s where the feeling of nothingness comes from.

Human beings are always trying to fill up that void with family, spouse, kids, friends, relationships, money, career and goals. If you take away all of this from human beings, we are all staring at the void.

I have it all. I have come a long way. Right now at the place where I am, I should be happy with everything I have achieved so far. Life couldn’t get any better than what it is right now. It’s beautiful. And I have God to thank for but then why does it feel like I am sitting on the edge of the abyss staring at nothing, there is a vacuum.

‘Nature abhors vacuum’ or so says the astrophysicists. However, I feel the void is not created from outside, it comes from within. The more I talk to people, the more they open up and tell me about their void. They don’t know why they feel the way they do. Some call it mid-life crises, others just define the feeling of discontentment and some say ‘what next’? No amount of partying or booze or family time or career orientation or money or anything else has helped them in filling up the void. I am sure it never will. Because it is our sense of being that needs to be defined.

The reason why the void is created is for us to know what we really want. Not just money or other material things. It is more. It is not worldly success or being the best father/mother/spouse/son/daughter. It is so much more. It is that feeling where we are happy with ourselves and not by our external influences or things that define us. It is just us.

My yearly pilgrim to South Goa during monsoon. As I stand getting drenched on by the monsoon rains on the beach, with the high tide trying to drown me while I stare at the offing where the black monsoon clouds and the grey coloured sea meet at the horizon, where the white lines outlining the high tide look like piano keys as if the nature is playing Beethoven’s symphony no. 9 in form of the sound of the tide crashing on the sea, and as I taste the sea-salt in my mouth coming from the moisture from the strong winds which continue to blow through my hair, I am reminded of how tiny I am, so insignificant. It brings me back to the reality of existence. That it is just me and the sea and no one in that moment. That is where my answers lay. That is where my vacuum gets filled. In that split second of a moment where I see my happiness sans the world behind me, and nature as my companion for life. It is beautiful. And as I make my way back home every year, I wait for the entire year, to go back to that feeling again because that’s where my void gets filled. It is those moments of happiness that give me the strength to survive the whole year. It is there where I have found my happiness. My peace. My life. My quantum knowability to fill that void.

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